This Wednesday, I’ll be 17 weeks pregnant with a due date of July 6th! The pregnancy of Baby Carr 2 has gone somewhat normal (so far). I’ve had the usual morning sickness from week 2 to week 11, the sluggish feeling all day and a few pimples (which I have to say I only get when I’m pregnant – yes I’m lucky in that regard!) I feel like the baby bump is tracking about two weeks ahead of my last pregnancy.
Last Tuesday, however, I jarring appointment. I went in for a routine monthly visit and met with one of the midwives at my practice. This visit was the first time meeting with this particular midwife and I have to say when I met her she was pleasant enough. I was on the table answering a few routine questions she asked about how the pregnancy was coming along. She pulled out the Doppler to listen for the baby’s heartbeat; a typical part of the second trimester visits. She applied the cold gel and moved the Doppler around my small bump, waiting to hear the heartbeat.
Nothing
After another few minutes (about five in total), still nothing. She backed away, put down the device and told me that this was very unusual for a woman in her second trimester. We should be able to hear the heartbeat clearly at this point in the pregnancy. “Do you have time to stay for an ultra sound to check for the heartbeat” she asked. “Of course,” I said. After sitting up and starting to get myself together, I asked the obvious question, “Should I be worried”
She was hesitant not answering yes or no directly. She said that we should be able to hear a heartbeat although there is a chance that everything is “ok” and the baby might be in a position making it hard to hear the heartbeat. She then proceeded to tell me that if there isn’t a heartbeat I should meet with her to discuss terminating the pregnancy and what that all means
Terminating the pregnancy – What? Then she left. No reassurance that everything would be ok, no follow up. Nothing. I went back into the waiting room where I was told that the ultrasound technician would arrive in an hour. So I waited.
I called my mom and revel and told them what happened. As I was telling Revel about the end of pregnancy comment I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and the lip start to tremble. Mom and Revel both said exactly what the midwife should have said- I’m sure everything is fine. Don’t worry. I waited, used my iPhone to google everything about 16 weeks and not hearing a heartbeat. Still, I couldn’t help but hear the midwife’s voice replaying in my head the words -terminate the pregnancy. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have exercised last week? Maybe I shouldn’t have picked up Charlotte so often? Maybe I shouldn’t have shoveled my steps?
The technician finally arrived after an hour and a half. I walked into the room with my heart beating faster than I could imagine. I said a quick prayer to God asking him to give me strength. She applied the gel turned on the ultrasound machine and started. I closed my eyes for a minute not sure if I could look. “There is the heartbeat” she said. I opened my eyes and saw the baby with heart beating a strong 149 beats/minutes. I was overjoyed!
My hands were still trembling when I drove home. I walked inside my house and Charlotte ran into my arms “I shared my trains with Nani,” she said. I smiled and gave her a very tight squeeze burying my face in her small neck.
While I appreciate to some extent honesty of the midwife at my current practice, I don’t appreciate her approach to what was a very harmless situation. I’ve been through a difficult birth and know the anxiety and stress it brings. Even in my most difficult moments with Charlotte’s birth, what I remember and appreciated was the calming and reassuring words of the doctors, nurses and NICU staff. We all knew that the outcome could have been dire, but in the moment of labor with Charlotte that information didn’t need to be said. In the same way, this midwife could and should have been reassuring to me because we both knew what the outcome would be if the baby didn’t have a heartbeat and that didn’t need to be said. Having said all this, I find strength from mom and Revel who have both encouraged me to look into other practices and that is just what I’ve done. I had my first visit with a new group of midwives and OBs last week and it went great!
